You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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