my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
operation have a gay friend backfired
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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