why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
