At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
