Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
