I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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