grandma shit on top of the toilet
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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