you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
