I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
