Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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