my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
