I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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