i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
