Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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