M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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