i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
