I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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