I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
