Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
