I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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