Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
