you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
