i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
