MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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