mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
