you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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