she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
