wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
