so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
