Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
