i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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