3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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