Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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