If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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