Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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