I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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