We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
