I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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