I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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