This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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