Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
