if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
