I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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