Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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