Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
