you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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