I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
