remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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