She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Couch. On fire.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
