that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
