hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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