meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
