strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
