One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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