new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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