if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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