Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
