Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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