Just cropdusted the office
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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