eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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