In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
