yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
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