i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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